Dear New Significant Other,
You are the first. Congratulations.
Also, sorry.
Guess what? You get to deal with a lot. I am awkward, socially uncomfortable, anxious, depressed, weird, nerdy, and I really love acting like a dinosaur sometimes.
But I do understand that acting like a dinosaur does not spice up the love life (regardless of what my friend Kira says).
Anyways, by now you've probably learned all of this. And yet here you are. Despite it all. Wow.
I probably won't believe you when you ask if we can do this whole "relationship" thing. I'll probably tell you that. And I'll probably stare at you in shock for a little bit, doing my creepy no blinking thing. But just be reassured, I'm not offended. I'm not analyzing you. I'm not thinking anything inherently negative. I'm just scared. Scared and elated and paralyzed with fear and anxiety and disbelief.
But I really, really, really like you, so I'm going to say yes. I'm going to agree to try.
But. Still terrified.
And I'm hoping you can understand why. You are the first. The first one to look at me and want to spend a considerable amount of energy on me. You know me and you still want to be with me, and that's a first for me. You've probably seen me on my rare days of lady clothes and good manners and legs shaved and wearing makeup with my hair controlled. But what you've probably seen more are the days where I am utterly disgusting, with hair that hasn't been brushed in two days, wearing sweatpants that haven't been washed in two weeks, every flaw on my skin unhidden by makeup, my eyes sagging and red from sleep deprivation, my legs hairy and rough from neglect. You've probably seen me have an anxiety attack. You've probably seen me unflinchingly angry. You've probably seen me completely geek out over something. You are the first one to look at all of this, think about it, and choose to care about it that way.
And you'll also know that I'm pretty closed up. I'm a very tightly guarded fortress and I'm beginning to trust you but, man oh man, is it scary. And I'm going to have to let that go. I'm going to have to let you in. And there is no guarantee you'll stick around after that.
But you've stuck around so far so there's that.
So, yeah, that's a lot to take in. A lot of heavy stuff. But don't get me wrong. You're my first boyfriend and that is really super duper exciting! Do you know how into cuddles I am? Well. You'll find out. (Spoiler Alert: I F*cking LOVE cuddling.)
And I will want to hold your hand all the time. Because wow, your hands are great, you're great, and I want the world to know just how great I think you are. But I'm shy so instead of literally clinging to you like a koala and screaming "MY BOYFRIEND IS WONDERFUL" at the top of my lungs as we walk through town I will just sneak my hand out from my side a bit and hold yours, or maybe just loop my pinkie finger around your pinkie finger. But you have to keep the koala image in mind because that is how I really feel.
And if you ever want to put your arm around my shoulder you can totally do that because I am so into that. It's like cuddling while walking. (See above statement about cuddling.) I'm also really into hugs. Hugs are great. And if you let me play with your hair I will literally be the happiest person on Earth.
But I'm ticklish so please be careful. I cannot control myself when tickled, and I would hate to do you harm just because you put your hand on the wrong part of my waist.
And wow. I get to kiss you now. Like, whenever I want (with your permission of course). Wow. And I mean, hey, feel free to kiss me whenever you want. Wow.
But please don't expect too much. Because remember, you're my first boyfriend. The first one. So. I don't know what I'm doing. And please don't hold that against me. I'll do my best. I promise.
Also: something I really want you to keep in mind. While it is important that you are gentle with me, don't be afraid. Obviously if I'm entering into this grand trial of love with you, then I trust you. And I'm sure since you know me and you probably know a lot about my past and how I tend to feel things very deeply, you're a little or a lot afraid of hurting me. But don't be scared. Please. Trust my trust in you, and don't be afraid. This is a great risk, but that's what all relationships are. And I want you to go through this without hesitation. Without fear. Without concern. Because I will have enough of that for all of the world's population.
I have a few expectations, of course, but also I have a few promises. I expect you to watch terrible movies with me, and old TV shows, and I expect you to watch great movies with me with the same amount of excitement that I will have. I expect you to let me make my own choices when it comes to my body, my clothes, and my emotions. I expect you to bring me back down to earth, to pull me out from under the bed when I'm distressed, and to put me back in my place when I get too angry or spiteful. I expect you let me take care of you, to let me worry, to let me help. I also expect you to be just as excited about being a nerd with me, or at the very least be unashamed to be seen in public with me when I am excited about being a nerd.
I promise to take care of you. I promise to put your head back on your shoulders when you've lost your mind. I promise to make you grilled cheese sandwiches or midnight pizza. I promise to watch you play video games, and yes, even play if you really want that to be a thing. I promise to pull you out of dark places. I promise to read any book you give me. I promise to not nag you about your facial hair, the wrinkles in your clothes, or if your shoes are tied. I promise to respect your space. I promise to try and not be jealous. I promise to try in general. I promise to draw you pictures of dinosaurs when your sad, write you little notes to give you an encouragement in the middle of the day, and I promise to make you awesome music playlists when you just have too many feels.
Okay. So now that we've covered all of that, I think I only have a few more things to say.
1. Thank you. Because you are awesome. You are giving me my first chance at this. You are the first. And I am so thankful it is you.
2. Let's not think too hard about what's going to happen, and just take this one day at a time, okay?
3. Let's go cuddle.
Sincerely yours,
Your new girlfriend, before she's your girlfriend.
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